


A Lot of Not Good

by wildelygay



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, Eventual Fluff, Holistic stuffs, It's a whole lot of not good but then everything ends up actually quite good, M/M, Project Icarus, Starts off a bit rough, just two sane guys doing normal things, multi chapter fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-11 02:20:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8949997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildelygay/pseuds/wildelygay
Summary: This was not good.Not only that, but Dirk could tell this wasn’t the only Not Good thing happening right now. This was only one part of a whole lot of Not Good happening at this exact moment.Dirk has been taken by Friedkin, Todd has pararibulitis, Amanda and the Rowdy 3 are being hunted down, Bart and Ken have come across a bit of a road block, and Farah has no idea what is happening but it doesn't seem good. None of this seemed good.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! My roommate managed to talk me into posting a fic on here for the very first time, so here I am! I can't promise I will be any good at updating this or that I will actually ever get around to completing it, but I will try my hardest. I hope you all enjoy this! Please leave feedback in the comments!
> 
> (also, this is not beta'd so I apologize for any mistakes, I kinda wrote this all in one go)

This was not good.

Not only that, but Dirk could tell this wasn’t the only Not Good thing happening right now. This was only one part of a whole lot of Not Good happening at this exact moment.

“Stupid!” Dirk whispered to himself from the back of the black van he had been dragged into by that man. “How could I have been so stupid?” His head dropped into his hands and he groaned. 

Farrah and Todd must still be at the cafe, wondering where he had gone. No, wait… Something was happening with them. Something to do with Todd… Something to do with Todd being in pain!

“Shit!” He yelled, punching the wall of the van. What was he supposed to do? How did this even happen? The one time he wasn’t able to get away from them. Just the thought of having to go back to that- that place- made his stomach churn. Being poked and prodded and questioned all day long. And he could tell the others were being taken back there too. 

This really was Not Good. 

*****

“Todd!” Farrah fell beside Todd as he writhed and screamed on the floor outside the bathroom. “What’s wrong Todd?” She asked, hands hovering uncertainly over his body. 

“My hands!” Todd screamed, lifting his hands up to her face. Her brow scrunched in confusion. His hands looked just fine. 

“Todd - wha- your hands are fine?” She grabbed onto his pale, clammy hands and he screamed in pain, quickly pulling them out of her grasp and close to his chest. 

“Shit!” Quickly scanning the scene, Farrah’s eyes fell on the phone lying a few feet away from Todd. She crawled over to it and gasping, quickly raised it to her ear. 

“Amanda?” She asked, relief flooding through her when she heard the familiar voice come through from the other line. 

“Farrah! What’s happening? Is Todd okay?” Amanda sounded out of breath and panicked. What was going on here??

“Amanda! Okay, I need your help- something is wrong with Todd. He’s lying on the floor screaming and he keeps saying something about his hands.” There was silence from the other line for a moment before Amanda started to curse rapidly, her voice getting more and more shrill with each curse that came out of her mouth.  
“What? What is it, Amanda?” Farrah demanded. 

“That bastard! Of course this would happen to him!” The other line was quiet for a moment except for the sound of wind. “He has pararibulitis!”

“What? You’re kidding!” Farrah couldn’t believe this. Dirk was missing and now Todd was having an episode in the middle of a corridor in a public place. Of course this would happen to those two. They were in constant danger. And of course it was up to Farrah to rescue them. 

“Shit! Farrah, I’m really sorry, but I have to go now.” There were gunshots from the other line and distant screams. “I’m in the middle of something right now. Just get him back to his apartment. I think I left some of my meds there when I left.” With that, the line went dead. 

Cursing, Farrah quickly tucked Todd’s phone into her pocket before moving closer to him. He had gone from screaming loudly in pain to sobbing as he held his hands to his chest and twitched. 

“Okay Todd, I’m going to help you stand up and we’re going to go back to your apartment, okay?” Farrah explained as she carefully pulled Todd’s arm around her shoulder and slowly got him to his feet. Slowly, but surely, they made their way out of the back exit and towards her car that was parked on the street. 

“We’re going to be alright, okay Todd?”

*****

“Svlad”

“S’not m’name.”

“Svlad, wake up.”

Almost as if he was shocked, Dirk shot up out of the hard bed he was lying in, wincing as his eyes attempted to adjust to the bright room he was in. 

“Hello, Svlad.” Looking to his right, Dirk saw a tall, pale man with shockingly white hair and electric blue eyes standing beside his bed. Something about the man seemed off. His skin was too chalky and his eyes too pale. And there was something deeply unsettling about the thin, stretched smile on his face. 

“I said that’s not my name,” Dirk said indignantly, trying to appear nonchalant despite being anything but. His mind raced as he put the pieces together and realized where he must be. 

“Right, of course. You’ve decided to take on a sort of… Persona.” The man said in a condescending tone before walking to the end of the bed Dirk was lying in and checking the clipboard hanging off the footboard. “Do you know why you are here Sv- Dirk?”

“You want to poke me with lots of little needles and ask me lots of invasive questions?” Dirk smirked as the man's cold mask twitched. 

“You are here because you are both in danger and a danger to others in the outside world.” The man said, flipping through pages on the clipboard. 

Dirk scoffed and crossed his arms as he lied back against the pillows. A danger to others! What a joke. Dirk was about as dangerous as a kitten… Perhaps that was a bad example considering the events of the past week… 

“Right!” The man said suddenly, placing the clipboard back at the foot of the bed and clapping his hands. “We need to go now.” 

“What?” Dirk asked, panic flooding his veins. “Go where? I’m not going anywhere!”

“Now, Svlad, enough of that. You aren’t a child anymore. Let’s behave like the adults we are and I won’t call security here to escort you down the hall.” Dirk shook his head and shrunk back into the bed. 

“No! What if I don’t want to act like an adult? I’ll throw a tantrum! I’ll kick and scream and scratch and you won’t be able to take me anywhere!” He knew he was being hysterical, but being back here made him feel like a small, terrified child again. 

Sighing, the man pulled a phone out of his pocket and pressed a button on it. “I didn’t want to do it this way, Svlad. I was hoping we would be able to cooperate.” Suddenly, a group of large men wearing blue scrubs and face masks burst into the room and marched towards Dirk who was now attempting to climb out of the bed, which he noted he was surprisingly not cuffed to. 

“No! Get away from me!” He screamed as he tumbled out of the bed and onto the floor. “I won’t let you take me! I don’t want to go back there!” He cried as he crawled backwards and into the corner where he curled up in a ball. 

“Stay back!” He yelled as the men surrounded him. His eyes widened as he saw one of them pull out a syringe. “No! No, no, no, no, no, no!” He thrashed about, trying to keep the men off him as they held him down and the one with the needle crouched beside him. 

With wide eyes and clenched teeth, Dirk watched as his arm was yanked into an outstretched position and the syringe slowly neared the pale skin of his forearm. 

“Please.” He whimpered just a second before he felt the needle puncture his skin. 

He let out a final cry before everything went black. 

*****

“Yes, he’s fine now… Yeah, I was able to find it… I’m glad you got somewhere safe too.” 

Todd slowly opened his eyes, blinking them a few times to clear his blurred vision. He was in his apartment now but he couldn’t for the life of him remember how he got here. He could hear Farrah speaking to someone in the background, but to whom he was not sure. Slowly, he managed to push himself up off his bed and into a sitting position. 

“Yeah… Yeah, we haven’t heard anything from him yet. Have you hear from the other three?” Farrah was sat on the couch, back facing Todd’s bed. She had yet to notice that he had woken up so he chose to take it as an opportunity to eavesdrop. He wasn’t sure who she was talking to yet, but he was hoping it was either Amanda or Dirk. 

“I’m sure they’re both worried about each other…” Farrah threw her head back and laughed before humming in agreement. “Yeah they’re head over heels for each other. Haven’t even noticed yet. They’re both thick as walls.” Chuckling, she hummed again before saying goodbye and hanging up the phone. 

“Who was that?” Todd asked, relishing in the way that Farrah’s head whipped around, her eyes wide with shock. 

“Todd, you’re awa-”

“What’s happening?” Todd cut her off. “Is Amanda okay? Where is Dirk? Is he okay? How did we get here? What happened at the restaurant? Are we-”

“Todd!” Farrah exclaimed, rising from the couch and moving over to Todd on the bed. “Todd, relax, okay? Everything is fine. Amanda is fine, you’re okay now, I’ll explain what happened at the restaurant when you’ve calmed down and… and I’m sure Dirk is fine!” She explained as she sat down next to him and rested a comforting hand on his shoulder. 

“You have to relax, okay? You’re going to get yourself worked up again and…” She stopped abruptly, turning her head away slightly and pursing her lips.

“And what? What will happen?” Todd asked urgently. He had a feeling he knew what happened at the restaurant. He recalled watching and feeling his hands slowly burn, but as he looked at his hands now, he could see that nothing had, in fact, happened to them. He felt dread settle in his stomach. 

“Todd, you… You’re sick.” Farah said as she rubbed Todd’s shoulder. “You, um… You have pararibulitis.”

Todd felt panic begin to rise in him as the truth was finally said aloud. How could this be happening to him? The disease he pretended to have for all that time was now real. The disease that plagued his sister was now more so a part of him than it was before. 

“Fuck!” He exclaimed, dropping his head into his hands. “Fucking karma!” 

“Todd, it’s going to be alright. Amanda left some of her medication here when she left. And as long as you try to stay calm, you will be fine.” 

“No!” Todd yelled, throwing Farah’s hand off his shoulder. “I won’t be fine! I’ve seen what this disease has done to my sister! You really think I’m going to be fine?” He jumped out of his bed and began to pace around his room, running his hands through his hair, his breath coming in short gasps. 

“Where is Dirk?” He suddenly demanded. “You never said he was actually fine! You just said that you were ‘sure’ he was fine! That’s the least sure way to possibly say that! What aren’t you telling me?” He stormed across the room back to where Farah was still sat upon his bed. 

“Todd, calm down! Please! You’re going to work yourself up and have another attack!” Farah said as she rose from the bed and slowly walked towards Todd with her hands raised in front of her. 

“Answer my question! I want to know where Dirk is!” 

“I don’t know! I’m sorry, Todd but I don’t know! He excused himself when you went to the table and then went outside and disappeared!” Farah finally admitted. Todd stood where he was, trying to grasp the severity of the situation he was in. Dirk was missing and he had pararibulitis. Great! Today was turning out fucking great. Was it not possible to have a single day of peace and quiet? Did something have to go wrong every single goddamned day? 

Feeling a sudden stabbing sensation in his feet, Todd looked down and screamed at what he both saw and felt. There were nails stabbing out of the floor and into his feet. Blood began to seep out from the tops of his feet and onto the floor. 

Suddenly, Farah was there, holding onto his shoulder again and speaking calmly into his ear. 

“Whatever it is that you see and feel, it isn’t real Todd. I know it hurts, but it isn’t actually happening, alright?” She said as she rubbed his shoulder reassuringly. However, it didn’t help. How could she not see that there were fucking nails sticking out of his feet?! There was blood everywhere! 

“Take them out!” He heard himself screaming over and over again. “Take them out! Help me, please!” 

He tried to take a step back and screamed in pain as he felt the nails tear through and out of his feet. There were now large, gaping wounds all over his feet that were bleeding profusely. He collapsed to the ground and held his feet as he wailed in pain. He was aware that Farah was there with him, possibly trying to help him, but it was of no use. The room slowly faded to black and then, there was nothing. 

*****

“Svlad.” Someone said in a soothing voice. Dirk felt himself slowly becoming conscious. He felt a hand run through his hair and hummed in pleasure. That felt nice. 

“Svlad.” The same person said again, in a slightly less soothing voice. Wait a minute… something wasn’t right here. He wasn’t in Todd’s apartment, and he certainly wasn’t in his apartment seeing as no one else would ever be in his apartment. Other than perhaps Todd, but why would Todd be calling him Svlad.

Svlad…

Snapping his eyes open, Dirk sat up abruptly when he noticed that the person who seemed to be comforting him in some way a moment ago was none other than the head of Project Black Wing. Wilson. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” Dirk demanded as he attempted to get as far away from the women he hated more than anyone else in the world. 

“I’m glad to see you’re finally awake, Project Incubus. You put up quite the fight earlier.” Wilson said as she circled Dirk’s bed to be near him once again. “We would have been very upset if you had gotten hurt.” At this, Dirk scoffed.

“Right! Let’s not let our little science experiment get hurt! Wouldn’t want to waste all those tax payers money!” Dirk crossed his arms and turned his head away from Wilson, but not before he caught the murderous expression that adorned her face, quickly replacing the sympathetic mask she had been wearing previously. 

“I heard that you made some friends while you were away from us.” Dirk's head whipped back towards her in shock and fear. They wouldn’t do anything to his friends, would they? They were literally all he had in the world. 

“Maybe,” He said petulantly as he crossed his arms and turned his head away from the woman. He was aware he was acting like a toddler, but he found that being around these people and in this place made him feel as if he were none other than a small child. He was scared and alone and he wanted nothing more than to return to his friends. To return to Todd. 

“Right, well let’s move on, shall we? We have several tests we need to perform today and so little time to do them.” With that, Wilson walked out of the room, the sound of her heels echoing down the corridor. 

When he was sure she was far enough away, Dirk threw the blankets off and slid out of the bed as quietly as he could. Shivering as his bare feet touched the cold floor, he crept his way over to the door and poked his head out of it. To his surprise, there was no one in sight. This didn’t mean that there weren’t security cameras watching his every move, but he was willing to risk being caught if it meant he had a small chance at getting out of this place. 

Slowly, he snuck out of the room and into the empty corridor. He was again surprised that there were still no guards or nurses marching towards him as soon as he left the room. Rather than console him, this merely put him more on edge. Something wasn’t right here. 

Turning the corner at the end of the hall, he was again met with silence and an empty hallway. Heart pounding a mile a minute, he tiptoed to the door at the end of the hall. Closing his eyes and scrunching his nose and praying to anyone who would listen, he pushed on the door, which swung open to a large, windowless room with a door on each of the four walls. 

“Great,” Dirk said to himself, as he looked at each of the doors. Closing his eyes and scrunching his nose once again, he thought about each of the doors as hard as he could. Which one was he supposed to open? There were four options and he was only supposed to choose one of them. Four questions, one answer. 

“Okay, I suppose it’ll have to be that one,” He declared as he marched towards the door to his right. He was absolutely certain that this was the door he was meant to open. The other ones just didn’t feel right. Reaching out to the handle, he turned it slowly, and with a creak, the door swung open to reveal…

Nothing. A big, fat, nothing. 

It was another large, empty, windowless room with a door on each of the four walls. What was this place? What was happening? Was he stuck in some sort of never-ending labyrinth that would eventually lead him to his death? Much like the hypothetical one he had talked about with Todd. 

Todd. 

With a nod, Dirk marched towards the door straight ahead. Opening with another creak, it revealed…

Another bloody identical room. 

Okay then, door on the right again. 

Another one. 

Door to the left for a change!

Another one. 

Door to the right?

Another. Fucking. Room. 

Straight ahead!

With an exasperated groan, Dirk yanked at his hair as he entered yet another identical room. What was this? Was this the test Wilson was talking about? 

That must be it. 

What could they possibly be testing? His intuition? That didn’t need to be tested, it has always been 100% spot on. 

And right at this moment, it was telling him that he needed to stop. He needed to stop searching for some sort of exit and accept his fate for the time being. 

And with that, Dirk dropped gracefully to the floor and crossed his legs. If they wanted to test his intuition, he would let them. Sometimes his intuition told him to just sit back and wait. 

Smiling to himself, Dirk began to look around the large, white room. Unflattering fluorescent lights. Door. Door. Another door. Camera. Wait- 

He knew it! They were testing him! They had been watching him this whole time as if he were some sort of rat in a maze. Although, he supposed that's all he really ever was to them. A giant lab rat.

He would let them think that for now, though. He knew that everything would be okay in the end. Soon enough he would be guided out of here by the ways of the world and then he could go back to Todd and live happily ever after. Content with this thought, Dirk smiled to himself and stretched out into a reclining position.


End file.
